there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
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