im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
