Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
