i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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