If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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