There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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