Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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