Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
