Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
