My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
