he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
