Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
where are you?
Hypothermia
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
