How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
