I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
