My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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