i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.