i permit you to call me
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.