The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
