This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Randomize
