i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
