i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
