Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
