some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
