i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
