i think my mom watched the whole time
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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