I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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