There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I intend to get homeless drunk
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
