Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
