I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
