He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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