i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
as a side note pls kill me
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
