Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
