Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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