I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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