Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Randomize
