I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
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