I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
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