Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
