dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
