my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
