No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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