the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
