I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
