Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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