dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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