1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
hell yes lets make some ravioli
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
