I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
