If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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