I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
