i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
