The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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