operation harelip BJ is a go
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
