get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
