yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
