Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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