Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
