in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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