I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
