My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
