Just fell off a train. Bad.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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