Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Randomize
