I can't breathe out the right side of my face
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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