Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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