dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
